When I cannot help it hurts

As I write this Extreme High School has no money for food this month. 402 students are hungry and there is nothing I can do.  My friends in Pakistan have devoted their lives to brining food, clothing and medical care to others. But they have insufficient funds to pay for their own medication for conditions which, without it, are life threatening and I cannot help.  Another friend in Kenya who has just lost his brother in a fatal car accident has been told his wife has Rheumatoid Arthritis. She needs treatment for this terribly painful and debilitating condition. He can't afford it, and nor can I. Another Ugandan friend was orphaned at about five years old when both parents were killed in a car accident. He lived on the streets with others until a woman who knew his parents searched for and found him and took him in. She died. Eventually he took in some of his street friends and formed a small "orphanage" which is more like a large family or small community. he was able to provide for them until bad weather destroyed their crops. In their case such a small amount of money can make a big difference that I have sometimes helped. However now they have only "posho" to eat. No beans to eat with it, no sauce to make it palatable. I am so short of money myself that I cannot even help with this small need.

It is so satisfying when we can express our love in practical giving that changes the experience of suffering of people we have grown to love and trust. And it is so difficult to stay present with them and say to one person after another,  "I'm so sorry. All I can do is pray.". 

This is a really hard part of loving people who are suffering. Changing their situation when we can is so wonderful. And we are rewarded with such gratitude.  Remaining in communication with them when we are struggling to meet our own needs cannot do anything to help is not an easy thing to do. Yet befriending people who are suffering without going into "fix it" mode, being present to people in their suffering without giving unsolicited advice,  this is where love begins. This is love 101. And, it is one of the toughest expressions of love there is. 

With all of my international online friends I began here because I took seriously the online safety principle of never giving money to people you only know online and have not met in real life. It seemed easier then when I could simply state that boundary. and say, "I can pray." I cannot give you money. And I cannot ask others to give you money." Those who respected it I kept corresponding with. Those who did not, I blocked.   Those who remained became dear friends and, over time, one by one, I decided I knew they were not scammers and, when I prayed for their needs I also asked, "is it time I become part of the answer to my own prayers." And a new journey began of (in the words of the World Vision motto some years ago) living simply to help others simply live.

However I simplified my life too much so that there was no room for miscalculation, increased costs, or unexpected medical or car bills. And now, while I have money in my accounts, I am significantly short of money I will need in tow months from now. So now I need to return to that first boundary of staying present to dear friends who are suffering at the level of basic survival and health needs, praying for them, maintaining connection with them, and not emptying what is left in my savings account. This is a truly miserable experience.  This is when loving others becomes its own suffering. 

And yet it is nothing to what my friends are suffering. They are suffering at a primal level and I am not.  It is likely I never will.  I am short of money but will not go without food, shelter, or health care. I am short of money in a budget but I am not hungry.  This makes it terribly difficult to say, "No" right now even though I know I must do so.  This is the misery. Frankly, I would rather I was hungry than to not be able to ease the suffering of my friends.