When I cannot help it hurts

It is so satisfying when we can express our love in practical giving that changes the experience of suffering of people we have grown to love and trust. And it is so difficult to stay present with them and say to one person after another, "I'm so sorry. All I can do is pray.". 

This is a really hard part of loving people who are suffering. Changing their situation when we can is so wonderful. And we are rewarded with such gratitude.  Remaining in communication with them when we are struggling to meet our own needs and cannot do anything to help is not an easy thing to do. Yet befriending people who are suffering without going into "fix it" mode, being present to people in their suffering without giving unsolicited advice, this is where love begins. This is love 101 and it is one of the toughest expressions of love there is. 

With all of my international online friends I began here because I took seriously the online safety principle of never giving money to people you only know online and have not met in real life. It seemed easier then when I could simply state that boundary. and say, "I can pray. I cannot give you money. And I cannot ask others to give you money." Those who respected it I kept corresponding with. Those who did not, I blocked.   Those who remained became dear friends and, over time, one by one, I decided I knew they were not scammers and, when I prayed for their needs I also asked, "is it time I become part of the answer to my own prayers." And a new journey began of (in the words of the World Vision motto some years ago) living simply to help others simply live.

However I simplified my life too much so that there was no room for miscalculation, increased costs, or unexpected medical or car bills. And now, while I have money in my accounts, I am significantly short of money I will need in two months from now. So now I need to return to that first boundary of staying present to dear friends who are suffering at the level of basic survival and health needs, praying for them, maintaining connection with them, and not emptying what is left in my savings account. This is a truly miserable experience.  This is when loving others becomes its own suffering. 

And yet it is nothing to what my friends are suffering. They are suffering at a primal level and I am not.  It is likely I never will.  I am short of money but will not go without food, shelter, or health care. I am short of money in a budget but I am not hungry.  This makes it terribly difficult to say, "No" right now even though I know I must do so.  This is the misery. Frankly, I would rather I was hungry than to not be able to ease the suffering of my friends.